I am now a university student (on that day when I actually posted this) . I went to the school regularly and it is my aim in the past. My greatest dream is to hangout with the friends and to celebrate every moment with them. Because friends are the part of our life. There is none that survived solely, other than God. And we are humans,weaker but stronger because of the support we have from our companions. Even the help is just a word it is a backbone for us. The anti-pain is friendship. And for students like us will have friends from the schools we attend and the colleges. But in my case all of those dreams of school days and college days are ruined. I don't blame anybody for this. Because it's all my fault.
The way i am raised by my family. The manipulations i have undergone made me what i am today. I am not a giant to show on a mountain. I am weaker than anyone even i got vitamins. When i want to play with kids of my age they screwed me up. I go, i get screwed, i go, i get screwed. And it repeated each and every time. Even i have to see shedd blood. And all these crap and pains made my family to build a complete boundary which i cannot jump over it.
My life filled with the lot of restrictions and sometimes i cannot focus and i cry. But later what happened is completely different.
If the world doesn't allow me to get into it ,so what? i can create my own.
And this started the revolution in me. I got lot of toys_i mean a lot. Then i converted and designed all objects whatever that comes in my way into a toy. World of toys and empire of fantasy. Hours and days and years i spent my time in this jail type of fantasizing plays. Me and my world thats it. Nobody was allowed into my playground. Most expensive toys were my proud. And they are boast worthy. But i didn't exposed them to the world, even am willing to. Toy world, toy world and more toyworld. I couldn't see what happening around me, i am millions of light years away from the reality in the world.
No place for anyone, i broke things to turn them into toys. This, my habit continued in me until i realised that there is another world out there. More than 5 years i comforted myself with these toys. And my empire reigns forever. And when i started going to school i have to give up these things and i concentrated on my studies and i became completely dominated in the 10 years of my school without giving any competition to me. There raised some, but eventually they fall too. But the state of mind which i have developed and dwell in all those years showed their influence on me. They showed me that world is beautiful and all in it are like toys. But i do came to know that in toys too there are villains and they bullied me in such a way that even after the 7years i still followed up by those bad memories. So,where is the place in my heart to get good friends in my school life??
COLLEGE LIFE
In the college level of study i thought it will bring a difference to me. In the people's attitude towards me and my behaviour. But it is hard to know that even in the college everybody started to bully more . It is not because i'm weak or ugly. Am good and fair and am intelligent (have to mention here) too.
Still i don't get why i was hated.And then i am not a kid anymore. I know what is good and what is not.I can't be perfect always. And i started to give explanations, excuses and complaints in my works. My teachers are always been good towards me. They taught me a lot. But what with these my co-mates?? .
This is because of the ATTITUDE i follow and the RESPECT i give. I behaved completely like a gentleman at my school level and i earned some impression(of course more than needed) and this attitude adjustment made me to get hated by them. I never used to talk to girls because of shyness. And later on i became down in my studies too. And something stole the spotlight from me and it went on others. I worked to get sympathy, because i can't be perfect. I know i can't invest any more hardworking after all these incidents that occurred in my life. And then i had learnt to adjust in what am getting. And slowly and slowly social anxiety too crept in my body. Even now my hands will shake when i have to write something or just to sign at public places. Am still fighting on to get over it and every attempt had failed. But, am still fighting restless. I don't know if this is a genetic problem or what!
UNIVERSITY LIFE
Whatever happened is happened my college days of rock hard past had passed away with lot of illness and problems . And without friends too. I stepped into a professional course which before i hated most and never willing to join . It is the engineering field. And it's OK for me because i can't afford to study in my favourite medical field.
I have to learn from the world with this university. I can't imagine that i stayed at a place in between the people who just don't understand me and make jokes on me. And there is no shy to say that i saw hell being there for a day or less.
As every boy in his teenage dreams of a girl. And myself that dream is ruthlessly more to get a good girl as a girlfriend with whom i can forget all the pain i had. But ,my family gave me the love that which is a God gift . Still as a teen i have to search. And at the university i am jerked to get in-touch with any girl. Because of my social anxiety. And all the trash data that i have in my brain heaps and heaps.
And the people are same as before but i made slight changes in my attitude. I began to mix-up with the people and talk. I got mocked but i didn't cared and i learnt lot by entering into the city. Am the guy before who doesn't know how to walk alone on the road without my dad beside. But now i do, i have to agree that everyone is unique in this world and everyone has his/her own freedom. The way i thought about the people is 80% right. And my fears and predictions do worked and came true. But, what i learnt is LIFE IS LIFE . No matter how much nasty things come along your way as the obstacles keep your attitude in a front row. I hadn't left my good attitude for anybody but i made slight changes in it.
I learnt to give fake smiles and talks if needed. Because it will not harm me or the other as long as it is in a limit.
Now am in the final year of my engineering course (while writing this post) and still my past stains are displayed in me. The bruises on my face and hurts, some are visible and some not. I didn't end my life because of what the world gave me.
People will hate me and people will love me, both the places I belong. Me and my image in the mirror are same, but the only difference is the virtuality.
I am moving forward now . If there are no such people in my life i may had stayed with that past life only. But the world taught me. And God created me for a purpose. And He has plans for me. I will be moving on... and
THIS IS.........
MY LEGACY╮✔
What to do when the situation turns too bad and pushes you into the situation like to do or die? We can't escape from it, neither have an alternative, no choice and no power to drive the fear away. All we have to do is to face it on our own with gathering all the courage, I am one, yes am only the one at everywhere. At various colleges people will have friends and they mix up with one another .But I stand alone because everywhere my loneliness accompanied me with all its brutality and betrayal. The place to meet people became a piece of hell to me as everybody walked out.
Mistake isn't in them or in me, it's in the world
No comments:
Post a Comment